The beginning:
We were very surprised on April 26th when we learned I was pregnant. We did not plan the pregnancy but we were excited. The estimated day of birth was January 2, 2009. We planned on telling our family when we went home for Marks graduation.
The only family member I told was my mother because during my pregnancy I was lonely and wanted a pregnancy "mentor". I knew something was wrong when at 6 weeks I was not getting sick. Most of you know that I always get sick. I can't even take 2 birth control pills because it makes me very sick. Then this last weekend I stopped craving hot dogs (which I had been craving since I got prego and HAD to eat at least 1 a day.) I also started having miscarriage dreams that week too.
The end:
After going to the doctors they prescribed me some pills that would induce the miscarriage. What they failed to tell me that is was like going into labor but having ZERO time in between contractions. For 3 hours I was in the most pain I had ever been in. I was also drugged up on 2 vicodins that didn't help at all (just made me out of it). My hands became paralyzed and my feet too. Finally it passed and slowly the contractions stopped. I could not have gone through it with out Taylors help. He talked to me and helped me breath through the contractions and whipped my face with a cold towel and held me when all I could do was lay on the floor in pain.
Dealing with the feelings:
I have defiantly been knocked down to my knees and humbled by this experience. The hardest thing for me to think about is seeing the ultrasound with the baby and no heart beat, then looking over and seeing taylor in tears. It was hard learning I was pregnant but we took on the challenge and started to mentally prepare ourselves to be parents. It's difficult because just as fast as we learned we were going to have a baby we learned we were not. However, I am grateful that it didn't go on longer because I know of women who miscarry 14-16 weeks. Mother was a wonderful mentor and comforted me through out my pregnancy and miscarriage. I'm so glad I have a mom who is so nurturing that she can comfort me miles away from home.
Those who knew about this have asked if we will try again. I feel it is too early to say. Right now I know that my body has been through soooo much these past 2 months and I need to focus on healing my self mentally and physically.
I decided to write about this because I think it will help me tell my story and then move on from the story. It's one of the first steps to healing.
One thing we did learn from this is, Taylor and I have always been on the fence about having a child, I think now if we are given the chance to carry to full term we would be honored to be parents.
